Monday, September 24, 2012

I have a doctors appointment...

I haven't posted on here in a while.
Almost 9 months. I realize no one is ever going to subscribe to this blog or comment or anything like that, but I can see your views, and I hope that there is someone else out there like me who can read this and maybe relate? Or at least find a "hey, I get where you're coming from," out of this.

I have a Dr appointment tomorrow. I haven't seen a doctor that has heard of MRKH in over 7 years. I'm only 26. That's a huge percentage of my life. I'm freaking out. I'm drinking tons of wine. I am not coping in a healthy or logical way. I am generally so healthy and logical. I have a gym membership and I write various blogs. So normal.

I have this amazing handsome and wonderful best friend that everyone on the planet is in love with and I just totally freaked out on him. I'm probably never going to hear from him again. GOD I WISH I COULD JUST BE NORMAL! You know, go and get a check up and be uncomfortable and a little worrisome and go back to work and not have break downs for hours before and after. I never break down about things. Nothing is that important. This isn't even that important. Why can't I deal with this?

I feel sub-human. I feel like I'll never know love the way I want to, the way that everyone else has the opportunity to. I have such a great opportunity for love in front of me and I can't take it because I won't be able to. I'm broken. I'm not normal, I'm not good enough. I can't get it together enough to fix this. I'm at my breaking point and all I've done is made it to the day before the appointment.

If I do get it together enough to make to a full vagina, and I can have a real relationship I still have to have the conversation of, hey guess what, I can't have children! Wanna leave me? He will. He will leave. He wants to be normal and real and I am destined for hardships. I am stronger than he is. I've never met a man who could deal with it.

It's so dramatic and sad I have this vision of myself just wandering through a huge dessert alone, carrying only a sword, and that is how I see my life. That's so dramatic. I'm sick of this, sick of coping with it. I am just going to fake it. I wish I could have a person with me, close to me, but I can't. I just have to get over it, just see the other side of the mountain. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I don't feel like I can do this. It's become too ominous a threat to my happy way of denying reality.
Good luck, self! You are a star! You can do anything!

Friday, January 6, 2012

Purpose and Back story: My Tin Vagina

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about my vagina, and I don’t have a vagina. So, that’s one of the thoughts. Ya see, I have MRKH. I’m not a transsexual man. I’m not a hermaphrodite. I’m just a chick without a vagina. Seems like an oxymoron. It isn’t, but sometimes it feels like it is. I’ve been wanting to blog about my MRKH for a really long time and I think this is the perfect time. I’ve found a few good blogs out there but I don’t feel like anyone is in my particular situation, and I wanted to share the journey, and hopefully get some comments and support and give support and all that jazz.

So that’s the purpose and here’s the story. The back stories of MRKH ladies all seem pretty similar. I found out that I had MRKH when I was 15 and didn’t have a period. I really have to admit that I wasn’t super shocked. I was hurt but I feel like a little part of me always new. Like my brain knows to tell my heart to beat, and it also knew that I didn’t have a uterus or a vagina. It just didn’t tell me.

Sometimes I feel like my body is a costume and that it’s not part of me. It’s just what I wear around. It’s like Darth Vader or Robocop. Like some weird cyborg, robot suit thing that I wear that functions and keeps me alive.

 When I was a kid, sometimes I would stick a baby doll under my shirt and pretend that I was pregnant, but most of the time I would play orphanage. All the best kid characters are orphans and I picked that up early on. So, even as a little kid, adoption was a huge part of my psyche.   

Now, I’m not saying that MRKH is no big deal or that it didn’t affect me, just because I felt 2% comfortable with my infertility. I’m only 2% comfortable with it.  MRKH for me, has had a total sleeper affect. I have found a way to make everything else in my life so much more important than MRKH that I have been able to almost completely ignore it for…drum roll…10 years!!!!!!

I should win an award. A 10 year anniversary of denial award. Ok, I just googled it, and that’s the Tin anniversary. That’s a pretty crappy award. I was hoping this was a bigger deal. YAY me! The Tin Vagina award. Gross.

Well, on the 10 year anniversary I’ve decided to take care of business and deal with this oddity. Yep, if you’re guessing that means that I’m going to start dilating you’re right! If you’re shocked to learn that I am 25 years old, and still have no vagina, and have not bought or made one, well screw you. I have a Tin Vagina award. What do you have? Talk to me when you have a Silver Vagina
 (that’s 25 years. I’ll be impressed then)

So, my next post will hopefully be soon. I’m going to try to share a little bit about the past and then talk about the future, how I’m dealing with things, what’s coming up in my life, and how things are changing.
Follow me on the path!

Follow me…I wonder if I should get a MRKH Twitter??? hmmmm