Monday, September 24, 2012

I have a doctors appointment...

I haven't posted on here in a while.
Almost 9 months. I realize no one is ever going to subscribe to this blog or comment or anything like that, but I can see your views, and I hope that there is someone else out there like me who can read this and maybe relate? Or at least find a "hey, I get where you're coming from," out of this.

I have a Dr appointment tomorrow. I haven't seen a doctor that has heard of MRKH in over 7 years. I'm only 26. That's a huge percentage of my life. I'm freaking out. I'm drinking tons of wine. I am not coping in a healthy or logical way. I am generally so healthy and logical. I have a gym membership and I write various blogs. So normal.

I have this amazing handsome and wonderful best friend that everyone on the planet is in love with and I just totally freaked out on him. I'm probably never going to hear from him again. GOD I WISH I COULD JUST BE NORMAL! You know, go and get a check up and be uncomfortable and a little worrisome and go back to work and not have break downs for hours before and after. I never break down about things. Nothing is that important. This isn't even that important. Why can't I deal with this?

I feel sub-human. I feel like I'll never know love the way I want to, the way that everyone else has the opportunity to. I have such a great opportunity for love in front of me and I can't take it because I won't be able to. I'm broken. I'm not normal, I'm not good enough. I can't get it together enough to fix this. I'm at my breaking point and all I've done is made it to the day before the appointment.

If I do get it together enough to make to a full vagina, and I can have a real relationship I still have to have the conversation of, hey guess what, I can't have children! Wanna leave me? He will. He will leave. He wants to be normal and real and I am destined for hardships. I am stronger than he is. I've never met a man who could deal with it.

It's so dramatic and sad I have this vision of myself just wandering through a huge dessert alone, carrying only a sword, and that is how I see my life. That's so dramatic. I'm sick of this, sick of coping with it. I am just going to fake it. I wish I could have a person with me, close to me, but I can't. I just have to get over it, just see the other side of the mountain. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I don't feel like I can do this. It's become too ominous a threat to my happy way of denying reality.
Good luck, self! You are a star! You can do anything!

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